Writer Hannah Bae on setting boundaries as a recovering 'Mean Girl'
"I cannot control other people's behavior, but what I can control is their ability to access me and how I choose to respond."
During a recent conversation with my husband, I shared some of the mental health challenges I’d been facing postpartum. He took a steady breath, paused, and asked, “Have you talked to anyone about this?” I looked him straight in the eye, dramatically waved my arms, and reminded him I had been in therapy for the last several years. Clearly, I was crushing it as a semi-stable person if my own spouse forgot I was actively engaged in therapy. Ha!
Unfortunately, not everyone is honest about their feelings or will even admit to being in therapy. That’s why I’m excited to share today’s interview featuring Hannah Bae, a freelance journalist and nonfiction writer who’s also a survivor of child abuse. Like many women of color, she’s been discriminated in the workplace. She’s been told to “play nice” and manage the emotions of her less-qualified colleagues. (She’s even been called “mean” by one of them.) Readers may notice a pattern in how she handles these situations. The techniques she applies are rooted in the same ones common in cognitive behavioral therapy, and Hannah is very open about the role therapy has played in her journey.
Let’s see if you can spot them. Tell me in the comments if you do.
-K
This interview has been lightly edited for clarity.
Kaitlyn: Tell me about a time you've been told you have a "bad attitude" or been on the receiving end on bias in the workplace.
Hannah: In my last full-time job at a large legacy media company, I worked on a digital team that aimed to update how our work was published online and distributed via social media and other means. I met a lot of resistance from colleagues, even those who were much younger than me and theoretically more "digitally literate," because I was apparently "making more work for them." Meanwhile, digital-first publications with far less reporting power were eating our lunch.
As time passed, I found myself more and more frustrated, especially when I'd see colleagues dragging their feet to fulfill just the basic requirements. Once, I, as a mid-career Asian American woman, checked in on a video file that was due to me by a younger white male. It was getting to the end of the late shift on a Friday, and this was the last asset I was waiting on before I could leave for the week. So I swung by this colleague's desk and asked, without raising my voice but admittedly not in the friendliest tone, “Is that ever going to land?”
Apparently, this young male later reported my “mean behavior” to his mid-career white male boss, who then escalated the report to my managing editor. My manager editor, an older white male, then told me, “You have got to start getting along with your colleagues!” By this point, I'd worked full-time in journalism for 10 years. In some of my previous newsrooms, I'd seen screaming fits and swear words being shouted. I knew how to get along with my colleagues—this same managing editor had once told me I was “one of his favorite people,” and I continue to enjoy lasting friendships from this very newsroom and many prior workplaces. I really have to question how much of my reported “mean behavior” had to do with how this younger white male colleague viewed me through the lenses of sex and race.
K: SMH. I can hardly believe you kept your cool through all of that. So what do you do to keep yourself from blowing up?
H: I log off my computer, go for a walk, and/or hug my dog. These are the benefits from working from home, even pre-pandemic!
K: 1,000% yes to hugging the dog! Do you do anything else to unwind?
H: I recently read the incredible memoir "Tastes like War" by Grace M. Cho, which weaves together the Korean American author's memories of her late mother, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and incredibly poignant food writing that bridges the author's two cultures. It was published by the Feminist Press at CUNY, which is a small press, but I am so thrilled to see this sleeper hit of a book become a National Book Award finalist!
K: OK, that sounds like a hauntingly beautiful book. Adding it to my TBR pile now. Let’s switch gears. In your opinion, who has the worst (or best) attitude?
H: Beyoncé, for the zero fucks she has left to give, for her unflinching honesty, and for her continued artistic excellence. I wouldn't have answered this way say, 10 years ago, but she is undeniable.
What do you regret? Restack this or tell us in the comments.
K: There’s no denying Beyoncé’s star power. I’m not saying your previous opinion was wrong, but clearly you’ve reflected on your old mindset. So, what’s an actual mistake you’ve made and learned from?
H: I really was a mean person in my youth. The film "Mean Girls" came out when I was a freshman in college, and frankly, being a Plastic looked more fun than getting hit by a bus and learning your lesson. I am a survivor of child abuse, and I know now that hurt people hurt people. I used to think that in order to succeed, I had to climb over others to protect my position and mine alone. That mindset came from a place of deep insecurity and pain, and I now consider it my life's work to undo that thinking, share what I have learned and live with magnanimity.
K: There’s a lot of growth and vulnerability in that statement. Thank you for sharing. While you’re unpacking your own bad past behaviors, how have you learned to deal with toxic people or situations?
H: Set boundaries. I have learned through therapy and the wise counsel of my wonderful mother-in-law (who is not my therapist!) that I cannot control other people's behavior, but what I can control is their ability to access me and how I choose to respond. If I can de-escalate or remove myself from a situation, I should do everything in my powers to do so.
K: I know not everyone can successfully de-escalate a situation in the heat of the moment. So if anyone takes anything away from your answer I hope they’ll consider therapy to learn these techniques for themselves.
Anything else our readers should know?
H: When you come across good people in your life, hold them close! I met my current best friend when we were 12. And I met one of my dearest friends, whom I consider a treasured peer mentor and professional colleague, when I was a college senior and she was a graduate student. These kinds of lasting friendships have been my guiding light!